These are the facts, agreed upon by all sides: 1) Even though she loves hosting Thanksgiving, Roberta Taylor, 71, did, a few years ago, feel resentful that her grown children weren’t helping more. 2) Taylor brought the situation on herself by exuding a “stay out of my kitchen” vibe.
3) Since she’s recovering from heart surgery, it would make sense for someone else to host this year. 4) No way.
“I want my children to think of me as healthy and active — not vulnerable,” said Taylor, a retirement coach from Waltham. “I want to prove I can do it.”
State judges in Massachusetts face mandatory retirement at 70. Presidents can serve only two terms. Most professional athletes are finished by their 30s. But when it comes to stepping aside at Thanksgiving — and passing the drumstick to a new generation — the rules aren’t set.
One thing’s clear, though: Thanksgiving being Thanksgiving — the kickoff to the family-stress season — something seemingly as straightforward as a change in venue can become emotionally charged.
Moving a holiday celebration can highlight significant changes, positive or painful, in the collective life of a family, observed Dawn O. Braithwaite, chairwoman of the department of communication studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
“This is not a dinner like any other,” she said. “It’s a ritual that pays homage to something sacred — family relationships. The stakes are higher.”
Richard West, 53, came face to face with those stakes last week. With the holiday eight days away — and counting — the Boston resident’s family back in Illinois had yet to vote on a host.
West’s 80-year-old mother is the long-serving incumbent, but her arthritis makes grocery shopping difficult. “I don’t think she’s doing it this year,” said West. His sister and brother each wanted to host, but neither had yet established dominance.
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“At some point,” West said, “someone’s going to have to go out and buy a turkey.”
West is not just a layperson caught up in a Thanksgiving family drama, he’s an Emerson College professor who specializes in family communication issues, and he recognizes the significance of where the meal is held. “It’s a way for family members to clarify their roles.”
He paused to reflect on the importance Americans place on Thanksgiving, even if much of the country observes the holiday by texting, downloading Black Friday-deal apps, or whining about their relatives on Facebook. “There’s a lot riding on a meal that’s eaten in 45 minutes,” he said.
The eating part may last less than an hour — and might conclude before the host even sits down — but hosting Thanksgiving is an endurance challenge.
Even Ironman races have a 17-hour time limit. But elite Thanksgiving athletes compete for a week, with events escalating in the final days to include marathon grocery shopping; a housewide hunt for the large tablecloth and good cloth napkins, with no help from your spouse; cleaning common areas only to have visiting children or adults who should know better mess it up again; stress from trying to fit everyone’s preferred milk — soy, almond, lactose-free, organic, skim, 1 percent, 2 percent, grass-fed, raw — onto already-crowded refrigerator shelves; and finally, once the finish line seems to have been crossed, cleaning up.
“It’s like mini event planning, but for your family,” said Kristen Sturt, senior editor at Grandparents.com.
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Grief famously has five stages, and retiring as host may, too. Several years ago, Linda Fitzgerald, 70, the volunteer president of AARP Massachusetts, had reached the self-described “cranky” stage.
“I was barking at everyone,” she recalled cheerfully, noting that she turned particularly passive-aggressive over hollandaise sauce. She recalled insisting: “I can make it myself, I’m fine!”
Fitzgerald, of Springfield, is hosting again this year — now with help from her children — but she knows her position is slipping away. “We’re in a transition period,” she said.
Not everyone sees it coming. This year, Bill Corbett’s daughter surprised him and his wife — who are in their 50s — by asking whether she could host this year, at her new house in Holyoke.
“We’re convincing ourselves that it’s going to be nice to relax and talk to people, rather than focusing on customer satisfaction,” said Corbett, a parenting expert. “But I almost feel like we’re being put out to pasture.”
In Cambridge, Adam Eisenberg, 27 and newlywed, also thought it would be nice to play adult, although maybe only for this year. He also thought it would be best if his dad brings the turkey. Eisenberg and his new wife have been practicing recipes — they have the apple pie down — but now, with the holiday imminent, he’s feeling the pressure to deliver.
“You’re responsible for a lot of people’s happiness,” he said.
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Family experts advise those taking over holiday hosting duties to honor their predecessors by including favorite recipes and making a fuss over Aunt Mildred’s speciality, even if it’s pickled herring. And remember that not every handoff is a cause for sorrow or needs to be handled particularly diplomatically. Some hosts can’t wait to foist the responsibility on the next generation.
It wasn’t long after Jennifer Phinney returned from her honeymoon that her mother sat her down and delivered the news: “You’re hosting Thanksgiving now.”
“That was more than 15 years ago,” said Phinney, of Pembroke. “She’s never looked back.”
Beth Teitell can be reached at bteitell@globe.com. Follow her on Twitter @bethteitell.